RvB: Before The Dawn
by Agent Texas
Summary: The certainty that he would die was what led Washington to his mindscape for a confession to him. The one who would always be out under his birch tree in the middle of his abyss darkness, whispering words of pain.


They say you're never truly alone afterward, the slightest fragment remaining as a reminder, a remnant of what had been. They say you could never truly escape it, like a burning desire or a flicker of a bright light amongst nothing. For a second before it goes off, you can see, you can feel the coldness around you, the blankness, and utter area of nothing. And for a split second, you wonder if you're alone, if you can control it, and you feel a slight strength, but then you realize all too soon that you're simply wishing that this nightmare wasn't here.

All too soon.

Your once hopes and fears are nothing compared to what you felt now. You wonder how you could have ever thought they were worth fearing, how you could have ever hoped, but quickly you realize there's still a spark within us all, a subconscious mind, a dim glint of the hope we once had instilled in our every action and our every word----it's involuntary, like your heart beating. Sometimes we wish to stop it, because we know that only gloom awaits the hopeful and the faithful. But yet we cannot turn away from it as we gain from its strength, pressing forward, knowing the future almost for certain. Call it an intuition or even logic if you must, but it doesn't change the context of the situation, nor does it change us.

A select few of us have been privileged with the mentality to continue being full of faith and hope more than others. That ability has been profiled more in the female assignments in Project Freelancer as opposed to the male. Sometimes I wondered if the others even bother to, but at the same moment in time I ask stupid questions like that, I realize why. The answer is plain and simple and has no wrong assumptions. They simply have nothing else. Without hope and without faith, you are nothing. Without hope, you have no reason to work, without faith, you have nothing to dream. That is why we must cling to that and keep it safely inside ourselves.

Cold air blew over the mindscape, nothing but a desert with a single tree, its spidery limbs covered in green leaves. It'd never be anything different, but as it was, it wasn't a lonely birch in the middle of nothing.

Scattered around the mindscape were different types of memories, most of which were terrorizing. There was terror and sacred, but enough terror that the others were overshadowed into darkness. Most, if not all are plunged into a dark abyss.

I stand staring out towards the birch, knowing he's there, knowing he will always be there, ignored or otherwise. It has been too long since I went to see him.

There's no sound but whistling of wind over the sandy terrain.

It may hurt to go, I may have to back out, or I may not.

I've never even thought about something like this. It seemed so wrong before, so odd. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I just couldn't do it before, it wasn't right. Now it felt necessary, almost as if I couldn't do this without him.

You see, it isn't my hope that drives me, not even was it faith or hatred, but I need to avenge him at the cost of my own life. What they did was intolerable and inhumane, their acts callous and their choices immoral. They'd had the right intentions, but they just lacked the intellect to come up with a less heartless solution.

My shoes were all but silent as I made my way towards the tree and shaded his figure. His gaze appeared to be locked downward on the sand as if he was seeing something, but there was nothing.

As I reached out in the mindscape, whispers brushed by me so quickly I could hardly hear them, but as they increased in intensity and volume, I soon realized who's they were, all jumbled and incoherent nonsense, in his pained whispers. I didn't want to hear it, I wanted to stop his pain, I didn't want him to feel this anguish anymore. Why can I not take his pain away?

I felt weak, like I have run for hours on end without as much as a pause.

The sun is blistering as I enter it meters from his location, but I can already feel myself giving, my mind almost willing me to stop. I cannot stop, I will never stop. Because now I realized I needed him at this moment as much as he needed me, so how could I have denied us both this? It could be our last stand, our last communication and our last dying chance.

_Dying._

I shook my head of the word, of the possibility I knew had been there from the start. I'd denied myself the thought for so long, but now I couldn't have helped _not _thinking of it. Our doom was approaching rapidly, my inevitable death, but it would be worth it to get revenge. He probably already knows what I'm doing for him and he won't be happy about it, but I can only speculate.

Entering the shade from the large birch, I could hear a whimpering as the whispers drowned out all the other sounds. Now I heard myself as well, me whispering pained words like his.

I could feel my body going weaker, shaking as it got to me. It felt like I'd run eight miles without pausing, fatigue. So far, this was going well compared to what I'd thought would happen.

I fell to my all fours, the gritty grains of sand glittering under me.

My breathing rapid and heart pounding, I tried to calm myself by closing my eyes.

He was merciless, resentful and senseless, but that was nothing I'd never dealt with before, in fact it was a common reoccurrence nowadays. My life was all hatred and anger, bitterness and without compassionate. Only one fragment of it remained positive, the only reason I even tried to go on.

"I love you," I whispered and his noises seized as I struggled to regain my energy.

The utter silence was something I hadd never experienced in his presence before. So many times before when this would only end in me giving up, this time I had to get through. It was worth it.

He hated me though, I figured, how could he possibly not? He like so many others blamed me for everything despite it not me being at fault, but they didn't know any better unlike him. He knew better, but he hated me for joining the program, for doing what I was, for all of it. It truly was my fault, I couldn't blame him for hating me, but it didn't make it any easier, not for me or him for the fact he hated me. But if he was going to blame anybody, I would prefer it be the true cause and not simply a victim.

His gaze wandered to me as I looked up, getting on my knees rather than my all fours. The bright blue and purple glow of his eyes would have been like a gateway, had they not look cold and lifeless----as cold and lifeless as me. There was a sign that he would argue with me in them, but it would never do any good. You can't change something like that.

I'd lost all interest in normal love the day I'd been broken, but I'd never been able to forget him, and knowing this remnant of him was left behind only made me believe that I had held on tighter than he had. Though he'd caused me pain and suffering and plunged my mind into insanity, if I didn't have him, I had no one. Nobody else could understand my pain, and nobody else could ever attempt to understand _me_.

In one fluid movement, he was up and offering his hand to help me up. I took it.

His gaze was on me, almost scrutinizing or intimidating, but I didn't give, instead I stood there, strong and without fear.

He didn't scare me and he didn't intimidate me either, but on the other hand, I was still feeling quizzical and wary. He'd never been silent like this and never judged me for who I was, merely sat under his birch tree in the shade, whispering to himself words he needed to hear to go on with the day. I listened to him more than he knew.

He glanced away before he went and sat down where he had been. I watched him with slight disappointment before turning to leave.

I'd hoped to talk to him and I'd hoped he'd tell me how he was feeling.

"Wait…" I turned around when I heard him whisper to me in the voice I'd rarely heard so clear and free of terror. It sounded musical and smooth like a television announcer's. It was the kind of voice a lot of people would wish to have, so why wouldn't he? He wasn't not real, but based off of someone, who exactly that was, I didn't know. All the AI was based off of someone and they had residual memories, it's just that they're usually able to tell them apart. There has been one AI in my time that didn't know it wasn't human, that was the long searched for Alpha AI. I'd met him accidentally on a mission appointed to me by the Director of Project Freelancer himself. "Sit, please." He patted the spot next to him at the roots.

I stepped over a tall root and sat down warily with my legs sprawled out as he sat with his legs to his chest.

It was almost utter silence as we sat there, keeping each other company without any thoughts. We knew what each other was thinking, after all he was inside my mind and I was just visiting him there.

Questions hung around in our subconscious that neither of us wanted to ask but knew we would. Inevitably, the silence and lack of activity would interrupt things, or I would realize there wasn't much time left before my planned death. I'd been expecting this, knowing that at some point I would give my life for his deserved revenge.

"Don't hate me, Epsilon," I said and looked away. I couldn't face the berating I would be getting, not now, not from him, everything was bad enough as it was without him telling me that. It wasn't that I wasn't intelligent and I didn't need reminded of that, I knew the probabilities and I'd taken them into consideration, but it was unavoidable. When I'd realized this, I'd simply felt happy, and now was no different, only now I was glad to have told him what I'd known from the start of my terror.

You see, the Agents were doomed in Freelancer who received an AI.

"I should be the one saying that to you," he admitted, almost shamefully. "I have not been very friendly towards you. However, I do not regret it." I didn't look at him, instead I rested my elbow on the root I'd had to step over and my chin on my hand.

Even in that I could feel his eyes on me, them almost feeling hurtful, but they weren't painful. The feeling of his stare was something I'd never experienced and it was a lot different than I had ever expected. "Do you know why I don't?" he finally asked, a bit disappointed I hadn't asked him myself. I turned to face him, his glowing, blue figure glittering in the little spaces between leaves the sun escaped through.

"No," I admitted, feeling uncomfortable as I shifted.

Instead of answering me as he'd been, he leaned towards me until our faces were merely a few inches away. If he'd been human, if he'd been able to breathe, I would have felt his breath, but that was not the case. All I felt was a steady flow of cool air radiating off his figure.

I narrowed my eyes slightly at his act, as wary as I was unsure to why he was acting so uncharacteristic for his common behavior.

"Because I don't want you to do this," he whispered and reached out with one icy hand and brushed his fingertips against my cheek caressingly. It felt like an ice cube had just brushed against my cheek, but without the slight condensation. It was almost as if to force me to stare at him. I looked at him, meeting his eyes. I could've turned away, I wasn't weak after all, but I didn't want to. "I don't want you to die." He leaned even closer now, murmuring it into my cheek. I could almost imagine feeling breath on my cheek, nice and warm, but there was nothing but coldness. Just like in every aspect of my life.

I closed my eyes and bowed my head. I shook a little out of anger as I spoke, my voice shaking. "I don't care about myself, Epsilon, I only care what happens to you. I promise I'll save you from my fate." I felt his cold, holographic fingers brush the other cheek and than his other hand on the other side.

He was the main reason for what I was doing now. Why I was going to sneak into command with everyone else, why I was going to destroy the Alpha and the main reason for me wanting revenge upon the people we hate. I couldn't allow them to get away with such sins.

"Oh you are such an icicle, but yet you can show emotion around the ones you care for. Does that make you a hypocrite?" He forced me to face him and I opened my eyes, being met with his again. For having just two colors, his eyes looked complex like a kaleidoscope, like a puzzle that's unsolvable.

I struggled with an intelligent remark to snap at him with. It wasn't easy after all to snap at someone you loved while staring into their eyes, no matter how ice cold the blood in your veins are.

"You're blue and purple, doesn't that make you flamboyant?" The corners of his lips twitched and so did mine, but clearly neither of us smiled.

We stared at each other for a good while and I guess he was gauging my reaction to staring into my eyes, but he sure hadn't seemed to care a minute ago. I searched for something in his eyes or face, wrestling with nothing, leaving me to discover he really didn't seem to have anything on his exterior to point me to a conclusion. It was miffing knowing that I never knew what he was thinking despite him being inside of my head 24/7. Think I'd know that, but I'm just too focused on everything else as if he didn't matter. Perhaps that had something to do with my inability to care for a lot of my time, but it wasn't really anything I could repair now.

"You don't have a choice," he whispered, turning to face where he had been before I'd gotten here, space. It was a big change to have blue and purple eyes staring you in the eyes for minutes and then suddenly be gone.

Warily I placed a hand on his hologram's shoulder, it feeling weak. I'd never tried to touch him like that and it felt odd, but not bad odd. He was cold as ice and smooth as granite.

"I did this for you."

"But I did not want you to, do you not get that?" he faced me, glaring. "I don't want you to die! I-I…" I looked down at the glittering sand between us, it cool here, my body getting cold despite not really being alive in here. I didn't have regrets even right this moment and I doubted I ever would. "David, I love you." I felt a small twinge of emotion flicker in my chest like a light had been flipped on and then off again a split second later.

"You'll be okay, I promise." That was all I could really do, for there was nothing more for me to say. I couldn't resurrect the situation so I could live after all. If things were that way, I might have changed quite a few things already.

"I don't care about myself, I care about you." I reached up and brushed his cheek with my fingertips gently, wishing I could take away that pain from him, but I knew I couldn't. In fact, I couldn't really do anything. The full unit I could take away its pain somehow, but it was a mystery how.

"One of us has to end up unhappy then," I murmured towards the ground, not looking up, but feeling the granite like skin under my fingertips. Had he been really there, had I really been there, I would have felt like ice now.

I couldn't do anything to change this even if I'd wanted. My fate was sealed, I'd been trapped from the start. I'd never had a choice, I'd never been able to pick where I would be now. The Director had planned on this since South, he'd been preparing, and still he would do nothing about it in fear of ruining the course of things. And because he didn't care who died as long as it wasn't him. Cold son of a bitch, but I knew that's how he would always be, always cold, always heartless. I saw all of that instilled in the freelancers, in me, in Epsilon and in the Alpha, and I believe that's just a minor symptom, just a blip on the map. There were so many things that came with what he caused it was surreal.

His hand grabbed onto the one I had resting by his cheek and I looked up at him, met by a slight smile. The corners of his lips were less than a centimeter turned up, but they were turned up anyways and that was what matter.

It forced the same type of smile onto my face.

He held onto my hand and I let him move it down in front of me. I watched him with slight caution out of instinct as he seemed just as warily to move closer. Neither of us seemed to know how to relax, though it was doubtful either of us would ever know. It was wired into our brains, or in his programming. It was almost impossible to get by unless you had no choice, but even then it might be impossible, certainly it was improbable. The tortures had made us this way, the constant reminder of what happened to the Alpha AI hung over our heads like a cloud.

Before I could register what was happening, before I could stop him, he kissed me, eyes closed and sitting with no space between us. His cold, granite body pressed against me and the lips just the same were gentle.

Regardless of being startled, I was more surprised by how gentle he could feel despite his granite like skin.

My lips molded to his, but I didn't move away, even though my insecurities and instincts were red.

Of all the things I'd considered he'd do, I'd never even considered this. It wasn't bad I guess, but it wasn't exactly good either. Bad partly because it would only make our parting more difficult and good for obvious reasons, ones I felt were more important than worrying about the end so intensely.

I finally closed my eyes and moved forward a little, sending him almost into a retreat. His lips pulled open and he recoiled. The reaction had been gauged and I'd been anticipating it, having known him as well as myself. Before he could move away, I wrapped my arms around him and held him close me. I whispered against his lips, forcing him to move with mine. Having being inside my mind, he knew exactly what I would say. "I won't hurt you, I promise. You're safe." He didn't say anything, but instead thought the word safety over and over again, both of us hearing the echoes around us. I listened silently.

He didn't move for awhile, just seeming frozen like an ice statue, and for a moment I wondered if he'd not move, if he was done with me, but as soon as I thought this, as soon as it blended magnificently with his thinking, with his thoughts in black and white, he held onto me to keep me from moving. Of course if I was disturbed on the outside I would disappear anyway, but I prayed that this wouldn't happen, that I would be removed at my own leisure. Leaving so suddenly, so without warning would defeat the purpose.

I looked out towards the sun, my mind beginning to feel groggy, and my eyelids heavy. I was going to fall asleep, I _needed_ to get to sleep. Tomorrow would be busy, tomorrow I would finish this.

"I need to go…" I whispered, looking down at him as he now had his face buried more into my neck then anything.

He seemed still, as if he'd not heard me. "Epsilon, I-" he cut me off by crawling onto my lap and planting a kiss on my lips. I didn't know what to do at this point, it was hard enough as it was to leave, but he wasn't going to make it easy, probably intentionally because he didn't want me to leave.

Rather than staying like a brick wall, he began to cautiously move his lips, still gently of course, as he could be pretty rough he wanted to be. He could practically kill my self mental image from a kiss if he wanted to, being like granite after all. Not that my mental image could really _die_, because it couldn't really.

I let him do what he wished, not fighting him and not really assisting him. He seemed to notice this quickly. "Have I upset you?" I turned to look at the sunset in my mind, knowing I would be asleep soon, that if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to complete my mission with as good quality.

"I'm not upset, it's just getting late." He stared at me and seemed to understand. This didn't make him pleased of course, but he didn't argue.

"Oh, I see, I should leave you to rest." He went to move away but I didn't release my grip.

"No, it's okay, I can sleep, and you don't have to go." His eyes went up and down me as if to scrutinize, test my speaking with more proof. But there was nothing to see, I was as blank and cold as he was, just lacking the granite skin and cold to be viewed as an AI.

He nodded gingerly and lied down, resting on me. The coldness from him felt like I had ice blocks resting on me, but I found it comforting, rather than annoying.

I closed my eyes and let out an unwilling sigh. It wasn't exactly out of relief or contentment, more than just a sigh. Truthfully I didn't need to breathe in here and I was really just taking a deep breath on my exterior.

Lying in this imaginary mindscape, under a make-believe birch tree, possessed by my fantasy love for something that can never be, I felt the fake heat from my mind's sunset and the bittersweet of this moment.

As much as I wanted to, as much I _needed_ to, I couldn't bring myself to want to be anywhere else. Right here was where I always wanted to be, despite everything. Despite the things that needed to be done, the things that I would do, despite our lack of trust and the lies between us neither of us would admit. This is how it has always been, how it will always be, but I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd want to be.

Tomorrow I could do it, tomorrow I would die in honor, knowing I'd done my duty, pleased with myself.

You see, the freelancers that received AI were trapped, stuck in line for the same fate of death. Early death, too early. They know what you know, and you know what they know, you think what they think and vice-versa. It was impossible to have this closeness and not love. All of them were victims of this poisonous affection and I was no exception. There were no exceptions.

As I drifted off, I knew this was true. More true than I had ever first believed. Knowing that my eternal slumber was coming before the next dawn, this was my final sunset, but I couldn't imagine experiencing it anywhere else.


End file.
